the one who just let go

Okay friends, so, we’ve heard from the Fulfilled Romantic, the Almost Lover, and most recently, the Honeymooner. And if you’ve been following this series diligently (which I deadass hope you have), then you’d know the question at the heart of all this was finally answered:

Did I love him, or did I love the idea of him?

The answer was surprisingly simple. I loved him. Not a projection and not a collection of potential and wishful thinking. Him.

Woohoo! End of series. Roll credits. Everybody go home.

Except… not quite.

For something that was supposed to feel like a conclusion, it left me strangely restless. Maybe that’s the downside of being a chronic overthinker or a thought daughter if you will. Every answer eventually starts looking suspiciously like the beginning of another question

This one came looking like the kind of paradox my GCSE Literature teacher would have loved

We often talk about loving someone for who they are like it’s the ultimate relationship achievement. As though seeing someone clearly naturally leads to choosing them and building a life with them

But come on guys, what if those things aren’t the same?

What if loving someone for who they are doesn’t automatically mean they’re yours to keep?What if…the deepest form of acceptance is realizing that who they are and what you need aren’t always compatible?

Suddenly, I wasn’t interested in whether I loved him anymore. I wanted to understand why loving him wasn’t enough to make me stay.

It’s funny because when I started this series, I didn’t have a clear, set-in-stone roadmap for how I’d eventually reach my conclusion. But somehow, looking back now, it feels like everything unfolded in exactly the order it needed to

The personas I’d explored so far all so seemed to have one thing in common. The Fulfilled Romantic. The Almost Lover. The Honeymooner…They were all still inside the experience. Whether it was love, longing or possibility – they were all speaking from within a cute little bubble

And then I clocked that my brain was looking for a perspective that was slightly different, you know, not exactly miss lovergirl but not exactly miss overly cynic either. I needed someone standing outside that bubble. Someone who wasn’t looking at things through rose-coloured lenses.

I needed to hear from The One Who Just Let Go.

The others were still speaking from within love, longing, or possibility. She was speaking from the other side of all three

Of course, there will still similarities.

Like, I mean, Kanyinsola, The One Who Just Let Go, wasn’t immune to the same romanticism that showed up across this series. She, too, once believed love would come in a magical, fairytale-esque manner:

“I just thought, rah, you will see the love of your life on random Thursday evening at 6:42pm and it will be wraps from there…”

Which we all lowkey did lmao. But with time, she came to realise that love is supposed to feel slow

Which of course, instantly took me back to The Fulfilled Romantic describing love as ordinary.

Isn’t it interesting how the idea of love is so exaggerated before you actually experience it, only to find ourselves using words like ‘slow’ or ‘ordinary’ and meaning it in the best way possible Another paradox? I think yes.

But beyond all the parallels and recurring themes, what I appreciated most about this persona was how real and close to home she felt. Kanyinsola had the benefit of distance that the others didn’t, she was looking at love after the fact, with the clarity that often only comes once something has ended

The honest truth is, it was a breakup that made me start asking the million-dollar question in the first place.

Did I love him, or did I love the idea of him?

So, it feels oddly fitting that the person helping me conclude this series is the one standing closest to the aftermath of love

Kanyinsola, in her post-breakup era, had come to terms with the fact that she loved her man for who he was, flaws and all, on some Beyonce shit. Like, how else can I explain her literally describing him as a swegbe and still managing to get that feeling of warmth just by thinking about him. But certain experiences in their relationship made her realise something before she fully realised it

She loved him for who he was? Absolutely.

But in doing that, she could also see that this couldn’t be her forever person.

And that really spoke to me.

Because we’ve been told time and time again that truly loving someone means accepting the good and the bad. Being tolerant. Being open-minded. And that if you decide you can’t be with someone, then maybe you didn’t love them enough.

I think that’s crap.

Because you can see someone clearly and still know they aren’t for you. You can love someone deeply and still recognise that love alone isn’t enough.

Guess two things can be true at once

Because the gag is, having an idea of what you want your love experience to look like is not a bad thing at all. Like let’s be so so real, having non-negotiables is not a bad thing

In fact, I’d argue it’s necessary.

For the longest time, I did think loving someone for who they are meant learning how to accommodate anything and everything that came with them. But maybe loving someone for who they are also means refusing to make them into someone they’re not.

“I loved you enough to stop asking you to become someone I could keep.”

The highest form of loving someone for who they are may actually be accepting that who they are is not who you’re meant to be with.

And nowhere was that clearer than when Kanyinsola said:

“When I finally got home, I just did some introspective thinking and my conclusion was: this man is not my husband because my husband will never do this to me. I loved him but he was a terrible partner.”

Real baby.

So, so real.

Because sometimes you take a step back, look at everything that’s been going on, and realise: This is absolutely not the love story I’m going to be talking about during my engagement party. Lol.

Like, no thank you.

And weirdly enough, that realisation doesn’t cancel out the love. It just forces you to tell the truth about it.

When I started The Idea of You, I thought I was investigating a person. I thought I was trying to separate fact from fantasy and figure out whether I loved him or the idea of him. Well as it turns out, that ended being easier than I thought

The harder part was accepting that the answer wouldn’t change the ending.

Because sometimes the most honest thing you can do is accept someone exactly as they are while acknowledging that they are not the person you’re meant to build a life with

So I guess this is where I finally roll the credits friends

Not with a definitive statement about love or some groundbreaking relationship wisdom, but with this,

You can love someone deeply, completely, and truly for who they are and still know they are not for you.